Fast Falling Angels September 18, 2007
Posted by jak in Creative Writing, Life, Poem, Poetry, Writing.trackback
A woman falls ill
Ravens flock to her will
A man lifts her dress
Finding much to impress
Women run east
Away from bold beasts
Drugs inject soul
Into veins full of holes
A woman undresses
A man then caresses
Her shadows on skin
Her softness a sin
Women push south
As moisture fills mouths
Trumpets sound loud
Passion drips from the clouds
© 2007 Argonaut
This is a nice start but you should add some to it. Expand on it, make it come alive. It might free it up some if you dropped the rhymes. Keep writing!
Vivid imagery here today. But still, a great poem. The feel here was one of a woman satisfying a man with no regard to how she truly feels. She’s displaced somehow. Keep up the good work.
Michelle Johnson
Did you get your book yet?
Lovely, magnificent. I’m so in love. I needed those words.
Hey, thanks for the comment, Jak. I loved this poem because of it’s feminist flavor. Hope you keep checking out Darcy’s fiction blog. Creative writers got to watch out for each others blogspaces with all the nonfic confessionals :-) Those can be good too, but I like stories and poems!
Wallace
I like where this is headed, but I have notcied in quite a few of your poems that you are using what I would call cliche rhyme and meter, meaning it is too easy… easy end rhyme in my opinion detracts from otherwise strong images, whenever you use rhyme ask yourself why you are using it and what it adds to the poem…
poetic license –
what you call easy I would call short and simple, which I treasure.
i thank you for the advice. forcing rhyme can detract. I personally don’t see it here.
to each their own.
I agree! Short and simple is not always easy to pull off. And, to rhyme or not to rhyme is a personal choice. Just like to read or not to read!